Pro Parenting Tip #47: Ask the Hard Questions
"How do I know if there is something seriously wrong with my teen or if they are just being a typical teen?"
"How can I tell the difference between being truly depressed or being overly dramatic?"
"What signs should I look for to know if my teen is suicidal?"
I get asked questions like this frequently.
Parents are DEEPLY WORRIED about their teen's emotional well-being. And for good reason.
Teen anxiety, depression, suicidal ideation, and suicide have been on a steady increase for over a decade.
In fact, suicide is the second leading cause of teen death and the #1 PREVENTABLE cause of death.
So, what can YOU do as a parent? How can you protect your teen from this tragic fate?
I've talked to several parents who have lost their children to suicide and one thing they ALL said they wish they had known was to...
ASK THE HARD QUESTIONS
Many parents are terrified that mentioning self-harm or suicide will plant a new idea in their child's head. That it will give them an option they hadn't thought of or considered.
But that couldn't be further from the truth.
Kids are fully aware of that option. An alarming number of teens have considered it already. And the age they start is getting younger.
Many think it is their only way to end their mental anguish.
Other parents don't think it's relevant to them. Their children are crushing it: straight A's, lots of friends, excelling in sports... But none of those things are indicators that they are doing okay inside. In fact, many high-achieving kids are suffering the most.
They've just gotten really good at hiding it.
This isn't meant to scare you (or maybe it is a little). I just want to make it clear that no child is immune.
Don't wait until you see specific signs of distress.
Don't assume they are just being a "typical teenager."
Don't treat it as a difficult stage you just need to survive.
If you have a teen, it's important to ask them the difficult questions.
Here are a few:
Are you okay? What do you worry about?
Have you thought about hurting yourself? How?
Have you thought about killing yourself? How? Do you have a plan? What is it?
Have you been bullied? Have you bullied anyone?
Do you love yourself? Do you believe you're lovable? Do you feel heard?
What do you wish I understood better?
Do you have someone you're comfortable talking to?
How can I help you?
These questions are difficult to ask because we're terrified what answers we may get. It's easier to keep our heads buried in the sand.
But it doesn't make the problems go away.
It makes it worse.
Your teen may be resistant to opening up. Many are ashamed and don't want to be a burden to you. Many don't think you can help.
Keep asking anyway. Not all at once like an inquisition, but peppered throughout the day, week, month...
What to do if they give you an answer that scares you:
Stay as calm as possible.
Thank them for sharing it with you.
Give them plenty of space to talk and share their feelings.
Do NOT try to fix it. Just listen and validate.
Give them a hug and let them know how much you love them just as they are RIGHT NOW.
Help them problem-solve and find healthy ways to cope.
Find professional help.
THE BOTTOM LINE
Asking the HARD QUESTIONS is a preventative step every parent can take.
BONUS RESOURCE
I pulled together all the key mental health hotlines to make it easy for you to access. Print them out and put them where everyone in your household can find them easily.
