Pro Parenting Tip #46: One a Day
I was working with one of my lovely clients, Jessica, who was frustrated with how her teen daughter treated her.
"She's so rude to me. She gets nasty and shuts me out before I even open my mouth."
I asked her if her daughter was like that with everyone.
"No, mainly me. In fact, other people tell me how sweet and friendly she is. I don't get it."
After some further discussion, I uncovered that most of Jessica's interactions with her daughter were about what her daughter was doing wrong.
> Her room is a pigsty, but every time I tell her to clean it, she gives me attitude.
> She leaves wet towels on the floor every day, I have to remind her to pick them up.
> She's a disaster in the kitchen. I tell her I'm not going to let her in the kitchen if she doesn't start cleaning up after herself.
> Her grades are terrible. I point out all her missing assignments to prove that she's not trying hard enough.
> She's always on her phone. When I tell her to get off or take it away from her, she loses her mind.
Because such a high percentage of their interactions were negative, the second Jessica walked into the room her daughter went into defense mode. She knew she was going to get scolded for something, but rarely could predict what it would be.
The only way she knew to protect herself from the firehouse of criticism was to stop her mom from saying anything or ignore her.
Jessica would get mad and scold her about her attitude, which only made her daughter get MORE defensive and mean.
They were stuck in a downward cycle.
Personally, I can relate to every one of those frustrations when it comes to my daughter.
The difference is my daughter is <almost> always respectful to me, helps around the house <often without me even asking>, and when I do address any of the issues listed above, it rarely turns into an argument (unless one of us is unusually grumpy--usually me!)
The secret I shared with Jessica is being intentional about having FAR more positive interactions with your child than negative.
When they feel safe, accepted, and appreciated around you, they have no reason to get defensive when you walk into the room. They are also more open to your feedback and guidance when you provide it.
My trick is keeping my criticisms/judgement/corrections/complaints to ONE A DAY.
For example...
If I already asked my daughter to remove her stinky collection of socks shoved under the couch, I refrain from asking her to pick up the pile of shoes I tripped over to get out the door.
If I know I want to talk to her about school later that day, I refrain from asking her how the summer job search is going.
Sticking to the ONE A DAY rule prompts me to be more selective about the annoyances, worries, and pet peeves I dump on my daughter. Think of it like a dripping faucet rather than a firehouse.
Sticking to the ONE A DAY RULE also ensures that I foster a positive, open, respectful relationship with my daughter.
It's a choice I make every day.
Now it's up to Jessica (and you) to make that choice too.
THE BOTTOM LINE
Just like a ONE A DAY vitamin is good for your physical health, the ONE A DAY rule is good for you and your teen's mental health.
ONE RIGHT CHOICE TODAY
If you want to skip ahead on that path to greater trust, forgiveness, and respect, I'd like to invite you to join my Thriving Parent Academy.
It offers a cost-effective, low-stress, easily accessible way to get the transformative guidance and consistent support you need to improve your relationship with your teen and create a more peaceful, harmonious home life.
