Pro Parenting Tip #41: Climb Down the Ladder
Want to know THE secret to having a better relationship with your teen and reducing the drama?
STAYING CALM!
This is the first thing I teach my clients.
Here's why.
The teen brain is still developing and it's growing unevenly.
The amygdala, the part of the brain that triggers our fight or fight response, our instinctual reaction to danger, is fully developed by the time we hit 11.
The prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain that determines what response is appropriate and curbs our impulses, doesn't fully develop until well into our twenties.
This explains why teens are perceived as defiant, reckless, and overreactive.
It's not because they want to be. It's because they don't know how else to be.
When we get upset with our teens--yell, threaten, shame, criticize--their amygdala perceives it as danger. It alerts the body to prepare for battle, releasing "troops" of stress hormones.
The part of the brain that could assess the situation, determine that fighting back will get them into more trouble, and call off the troops, has NOT developed yet.
So, if you're expecting to get your teen to willingly comply by yelling at them, you're expecting them to defy human nature.
It doesn't work.
Instead, their emotional stress response gets bigger.
Which often baits us to go bigger too.
I call this the LADDER OF CONFLICT.
The real power lies at the BOTTOM OF THE LADDER.
When we (aka the adults with the fully developed prefrontal cortex) stay calm and resist climbing the ladder a few things happen:
1. We avoid pushing our teens to climb higher up the ladder.
2. We model what it looks like to regulate our emotions
3. We give our teen's underdeveloped prefrontal cortex a chance to come back online.
4. We've created an opportunity to have a rational conversation.
I know it's not always easy for us to stay calm--especially when our teens are pushing our buttons (and wow, are they good at that!)
But hopefully, knowing that it's essential to communicating effectively with your teen, is enough incentive to give it a try.
THE BOTTOM LINE
The real power position is at the BOTTOM of the ladder.
PRACTICE MAKES PROFICIENT
If you want to take a deep dive into this skill, called Informed Responsiveness, and the other 8 skills I teach, I invite you to read my book IMPROVING SCHOOL MENTAL HEALTH: THE THRIVING SCHOOL COMMUNITY SOLUTION .
To get the most of this book, download the FREE Book Study Kit and share with your book club 🕮.
