Pro Parenting Tip #38: Don't Claim the Best Choice
The other day I had this thought...
Teens are wired to establish autonomy which is why they don't like us to tell them what to do, right?
They push back.
That's because when we tell them what to do, we claim "ownership" of that choice. It becomes untouchable to our teen.
It's contaminated with our parent cooties.
Even if they agree with what you say 100%, their instinct to separate themselves from you is even stronger. They must if they're ever going to move out of your house!
They are left to choose something different, which is inevitably not the "right choice."
And we get annoyed, frustrated, angry, hurt...
So, what if we didn't claim the right choice? What if we left it available so our teen could own it? Would they choose it?
Instead of telling them what to do, ask them what they think they COULD do. (Note: See Pro Parenting Tip #21: Should Vs. Could). Invite them to come up with a solution.
I can't guarantee they'll get it "right" every time, but I can guarantee it's far more likely. I've tried it with my own teenager, and she chooses well most of the time (of course, sometimes we disagree on what the right choice is.)
Truth is, our teens typically know the right choice. They even want to make the right choice.
They crave your approval and are crushed by your criticism.
I encourage you to try it. If they were going to push back anyway, what do you have to lose?
THE BOTTOM LINE
Teens are wired to do their own thing. When we tell them the "right" thing to do, we claim it as our choice, not theirs. If you want your teen to make the "right" choice, give them the chance to claim it.
MAKE THE RIGHT CHOICE FOR YOU
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