Pro Parenting Tip #21: Should Vs. Could
"You should be getting better grades."
"You should spend less time on your phone."
"You should keep your room cleaner."
"You should help around the house more."
"You should know better!"
We should on our teens to try to motivate them to make better decisions. If we point out when they're doing the wrong thing, they’ll start doing the right thing, right?
Wrong.
When we should on our teens, we’re essentially trying to shame them into submission. This is actually true when we should on anyone (including ourselves!)
Should evokes shame because it’s implying: If you were a good/smart/competent person you would being doing THIS, but you’re not doing THIS, so...
That makes the person being should on feel bad/stupid/inept. This leads to shame, which crushes self-esteem and motivation.
That’s the opposite of what we’re trying to do!
There is a simple fix to this shaming shoulding problem.
Replace “sh” with “c.”
Instead of saying, “you should do this,” say, “you could do this.”
Should implies shame. Could implies choice.
Should assumes they made the wrong choice intentionally and without good reason. This causes us to react defensively.
Could assumes there is a good reason why they aren't doing what we expected. This helps us respond with curiosity.
“I believe you could be getting better grades. Let’s figure out why you’re not."
"I feel you could spend less time on your phone. Let's see how that's possible."
"I think you could keep your room cleaner. Help me understand why you aren’t."
"I wish you could help around the house more. What might be getting in your way?"
Could leads to problem-solving and helps you set your children up to succeed.
THE BOTTOM LINE
The next time you feel the shaming “should” about to roll off your tongue, remember you could say “could” instead.
YOU COULD HAVE A BETTER RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR TEEN!
If you believe you could be managing your relationship with your teen more effectively, let's figure out what's going on and come up with a solution. The fastest, most cost-effective way to get started is to enroll in my virtual Thriving Parent Academy .
