Pro Parenting Tip #25: Toss the Box
I hate milk. 🥛
Always have. Always will.
It tastes disgusting and it makes me feel sick. 🤢
But I grew up in a time where all healthy kids drank their milk. 💪
Even my pediatrician warned my mom that if I didn’t drink more milk, I may never grow to a "normal" height.
So, my mom did what every good mom would do. She forced me to drink my milk.
Every day was a power struggle. ⚔️
I would cry, resist, melt down. 😢
She would yell, set timers, make threats, and even blocked me from the bathroom so I couldn’t spit out the milk I had squirreled away in my cheeks. 🐿️
She was exhausted. She didn’t understand why I had to make something so simple so dang difficult. 🤷🏻♀️
Fast forward several decades and surprise, surprise, I’m lactose-intolerant. Oh, and still only 5'2".
That same doctor today would have warned my mom NOT to give me milk.
I can’t imagine the number of fights and days I spent curled up in pain that would have saved.
The point is… my mom trusted everyone else over me and we both suffered for it.
I was just a kid, what did I know?
Just like my mom, parents will bend over backwards to ensure their kids are happy, healthy, and successful.
We also have a clear idea of what is required to obtain that: personality traits, behaviors, accomplishments, skills, beliefs, grades, goals, activities…
Without realizing it, we create a box that fits our ideal child. Our focus becomes making sure our child fits into that box.
We’re convinced that if they just complied with our vision for them, they’d be happier...
If our social kids were more studious and our studious kids more social.
If our quiet kids spoke up more and our opinionated kids spoke out less.
If our slight kids beefed up and our curvy kids trimmed down.
If our messy kids got more organized and our fastidious kids loosened up.
If they would just work harder, get better grades, set more realistic (or any) goals, be more motivated to do the "right" things and stop doing the "wrong" things.
We guide them, bribe them, nag them, even threaten them.
Everyone’s misery now will eventually lead to happiness later, right? 🤷🏽
Sometimes kids comply. They contort themselves to fit our expectations, sacrificing who they want to be. They feel ashamed of who they are and depressed because they can never live a life genuine to them.
Sometimes kids struggle to comply. They try to cram themselves in, but inevitably an arm pops out or maybe a toe. They are so anxious about getting caught outside the box that they hide in their rooms, shut down, even have panic attacks.
Sometimes kids refuse to comply. They argue, rebel, and act out. We perceive this as disrespect and defiance. They perceive it as not being heard. Eventually they may choose to sacrifice their parent’s acceptance to live the life they want for themselves. But they struggle to find peace.
I'm not saying we are the only cause of our children's struggles. There are a ton of factors out there.
What I'm saying is that sometimes what we do with the best intentions (e.g., giving them milk), isn't always in their best interest (e.g., if they are lactose intolerant).
But one thing that will truly set our kids up to be happy and successful is giving them the freedom to be their authentic, quirky, unique selves.
So, if your teen is depressed, anxious, or defiant, I want to encourage you to take a good hard look at the box you’re trying to fit them into (yes, we ALL have a box).
What we believe is best for our kids is often built upon our own experiences, beliefs, and social norms--all of which are constantly changing and adapting. They may already be obsolete.
I mean, it wasn’t but 40 years ago that women were
> smoking with babies on their laps 🚬
> driving without seatbelts 🚗
> perming their hair at home and hair spraying the heck out of it 🦱
> expected to always wear skirts or dresses to work 👗
> letting their kids run around the neighborhood all day without tracking where they were or making them wear helmets. 🚴🏿
But when our beliefs and the social norms we’ve been taught to follow are put into question, especially by our own children, it can feel threatening and wrong.
We may disapprove of their attire, their language, their music, their activities, their priorities, their choices, their dreams—just like our parents disapproved of ours.
Allowing it feels uncomfortable, even dangerous. ☠️
We worry that if we let them be their natural selves, they'll make terrible choices, do harmful things, and fail at life miserably.
The irony is, trying to force them into a box that doesn’t fit is what shatters their self-esteem, motivation, compassion, and overall well-being.
It's what drives them to make bad choices.
Instead, I encourage you to encourage your child to be their true messy, silly, disorganized, unfocused, head-in-the-cloud selves.
Love them for their differences not despite them. 💗
Only when our kids feel valued and accepted for who they are RIGHT. NOW. AS. IS. can they begin to blossom and thrive. 🌻
Please be patient with them. Who they are today is not who they will become tomorrow.
But if given the opportunity to discover their genuine one-of-a-kind selves, chances are they will become something far greater than that box you’ve been trying to put them in.
THE BOTTOM LINE
Stop fighting with your teen to try to make them what you think they should be and start enjoying your teen for who they already are.
THINK OUTSIDE THE BOX
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