Pro Parenting Tip #34: Focus on the Future

A new client came to me because they were worried about their son's grades. Before the pandemic, he has been a straight-A student, but things had changed-- a lot!

They believed he had become lazy. He no longer cared about school.

No matter what his parents tried, they couldn't seem to motivate him to do his schoolwork. They had tried everything from taking away his phone and video games to warning him of the negative consequences for being lazy, but nothing seemed to work.

They were tired of constantly fighting with him, but they didn't know what else to do.

I hear stories like this all the time.

Dropping grades and low motivation can cause many of us parents to panic. We become laser-focused on pushing our kids to do everything and anything they can to bring their grades back up.

But consequences like taking things away and pointing out character flaws like laziness and disorganization don't work for a few reasons.

REASON 1

These tactics are based on the assumption that our child is perfectly capable of doing exactly what we asked but is choosing to be difficult and disobedient.

In reality, our kids don't want to get in trouble or disappoint. Most are doing the best they can in light of the multitude of factors weighing them down or getting in their way (including the pressure their parents are putting on them).

REASON 2

These tactics also focus on punishing for past mistakes rather than setting our teens up for future success. Again, this only serves to add to the stress and overwhelm and position us as the enemy rather than a supportive member of their team.

Trying to push yourself to do something you don't want to do is hard enough. Pile on criticism and pressure and it can feel downright impossible.

So, what do we do instead?

FOCUS ON THE FUTURE

I encouraged the parents to get curious rather than critical.

They mentioned that he seemed to be resistant to doing his schoolwork. They calmly asked him, "What is getting in your way?" "Is there something else going on?"

Then they stayed quiet and listened to their son with empathy, trying to put themselves in his shoes.

Their son shared that he found it hard to focus and stay organized. Every time he tried to start, he would get overwhelmed and give up. He was frustrated and felt like he was letting everyone down, including himself.

They validated what he was experiencing.

Rather than scolding him for his lazy, disorganized behavior in the PAST, they worked with him to create a plan that would help him succeed in the FUTURE.

They started by breaking down his assignments into smaller, more manageable tasks (remember Pro Parenting Tip #28: Mini Wins?), and working with him to create a schedule that worked for him.

Rather than taking things away to punish him for PAST decisions, they helped set him up to make better decisions in the FUTURE.

They also prioritized time for him to do the things that brought him joy, reduced his stress, and made him feel good about himself.

They also made sure to celebrate his successes, no matter how small, to help him stay motivated.

Slowly but surely, their son started to improve. His grades went up, and he became more confident in himself and his abilities.

It wasn't easy, and there were still challenges along the way, but the family learned to work together and support each other.

THE BOTTOM LINE

Often the most important lessons don't come from being punished for PAST mistakes but from being supported and set up for FUTURE success.

SET YOUR FUTURE UP FOR SUCCESS

Want to boost future success for you and your teen? Join us in the  Thriving Parent Academy  to hone your skills, learn new strategies, get support and encouragement, and fast track improving the dynamic in your home.

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