Pro Parenting Tip #35: I Wonder?
Despite their best efforts, Jean and Michael just couldn't seem to make their teen daughter, Emma, happy.
They felt like they barely asked anything of her, yet every suggestion, comment, or piece of advice was met with resistance and a negative attitude.
It didn't matter how small or insignificant the request was, she always found a way to push back and turn it into an argument.
Jean and Michael tried everything they could think of to make her listen to them and respect their rules.
They tried to reason with Emma by pointing out the negative consequences of her poor decisions.
They tried punishing her by taking away her phone, grounding her, and giving her extra chores.
They tried yelling at her and even threatened to cancel their summer trip if she didn’t improve her attitude.
But nothing seemed to make Emma listen to them.
In fact, life with Emma was becoming more intolerable.
WHY WEREN'T ANY OF THEIR APPROACHES WORKING?
Jean and Michael had Emma’s best interest in mind.
Their intention was to teach her to make better choices and become a respectful, contributing member of their household.
The problem was...
Jean and Michael were trying to change Emma’s behavior without understanding the reason underlying her behavior.
Without that critical insight, they were making choices that added to the problem rather than resolved it—and it showed in Emma’s behavior.
Yet even though it was evident that their approach wasn’t working, they still doubled down on it. They didn’t know what else to do.
THE NEW APPROACH
Jean and Michael learned to let go of their initial assumption that Emma was just being difficult and replaced it with the assumption that there was more to Emma’s story than what they saw. They realized that Emma’s behavior wasn’t about them, it was about her.
In order to respond in a way that was in Emma’s best interest, instead of getting mad, they got curious.
This enabled them to look past their own frustration and notice that Emma was really struggling.
They asked, “I wonder what’s going on?”
This prompted them to stop trying to make Emma listen to them and start listening to her instead. Really listen.
Only then were they able to understand how to effectively address the challenges they were facing with her.
A HAPPIER ENDING
They learned that Emma was really stressed about school and the drama going on in her friend group. She also felt like she was a huge disappointment to her parents and nothing she did was right.
From her perspective, every time she tried to explain to them what was going on, they would shut her down and get angry with her. She felt like her opinions didn't matter, and that she wasn't being heard.
Her arguments weren't about what they were asking her to do, but about feeling like she didn’t have any control or say in her own life—at school, at home, with her friends…
Once they understood that, Jean and Michael were able to work with Emma to find a better way forward. They learned that when they listened to Emma and respected her needs and opinions, she was more open to listening to their advice and respecting their rules.
Over time, they were able to build a stronger, more trusting relationship.
THE BOTTOM LINE
Often, the best way to get through a difficult situation with your teen is to take a step back, ask yourself, “I wonder what’s going on?" and really listen to what they are saying.
PRACTICE MAKES PROFICIENT
If you'd like to learn more about this skill called Social Plasticity, and 8 other core behavioral health skills, check out my book IMPROVING SCHOOL MENTAL HEALTH: THE THRIVING SCHOOL COMMUNITY SOLUTION .
To dig even deeper, download this FREE Book Study Kit . You can introduce it to your book group (or create one!)
