Pro Parenting Tip #18: The ONE Thing
Ugh! Fighting with our teens can be exhausting. Why do they have to make everything a battle?
There are actually two good reasons:
They are hardwired to seek autonomy and have agency over their own choices and actions. This means that when we ask them to do something it threatens their sense of independence (no matter how nicely you say it). They feel like you’re trying to control them. Their brain reads it as danger, triggers their fight or flight response, and they react.
They are still learning how to communicate effectively. Now that they’re teens, their thoughts are deeper, their emotions are bigger, and they don’t know how to understand them or express them. So, their words come out sounding disrespectful, rude, even cruel. Rather than getting mad, model how to do it better.
Here are 3 questions you can ask your teen to reduce conflict, increase understanding, and lead the conversation in a more positive direction. (BTW, these work with spouses, colleagues, friends, your own parents…)
1. What is the ONE thing you need most? This question prompts your teen to identify what is most important to them. Some things I've heard are:
> I want to get online when my friends are online.
> I need time to process before I answer my parent's question.
> I want to relax after school.
> I want to be left alone when I'm trying to study.
Remember to listen with an open mind. This is about understanding THEIR perspective, not trying to change it. If they need help with this, you can start with question #2.
2. Can I share the ONE thing I need the most? Once your teen feels heard and you’ve modeled to them how to listen, they will be more open to listening to you — especially since you asked. It is just as important that you prioritize the ONE thing you need the most--and only one. Otherwise, the whole thing falls apart. Some examples I've heard:
> I need to know they are on top of their homework.
> I need to know they are safe.
> I don't want them to spend all day on their phones.
> I need them to get enough sleep.
> I need to be out the door by 9:00 or I'll be late to work.
Keep your answer succinct and remember to refrain from invalidating the feelings they just shared with you. If you do, they'll shut down before you can get to the next question.
3. How can we meet both of our needs? Now you can work together to find a solution that meets BOTH your needs. If you've already come to the table with a solution that doesn't meet your teen's needs, then it's not the right solution (no matter how much you think it is). Even if your teen agrees with it at the moment, if it doesn't address their need, they aren't going to stick to it.
When you are both equally committed to addressing the other person's needs as much as your own, it provides a foundation of trust and respect and allows for more creative problem-solving.
THE BOTTOM LINE
It’s frustrating to feel like you’re constantly arguing with your teen or walking on eggshells. Fortunately, you have the ability to break the cycle by asking the right questions and listening!
PRACTICE MAKES PROFICIENT
If you want to take a deep dive into this skill, called Collaborative Resolution and the other 8 skills I teach, I invite you to read my book IMPROVING SCHOOL MENTAL HEALTH: THE THRIVING SCHOOL COMMUNITY SOLUTION.
To get the most of this book, download the FREE Book Study Kit and share with your book club 🕮
