Pro Parenting Tip #28: Mini Wins

Motivation!

Why is it such a struggle to motivate teens to do anything besides scroll through TikTok, play video games, or talk with their friends?

Because…

Other stuff doesn’t feel nearly as good—on their brain.

Every scroll, thumbs up, earned point, or LOL rewards their brain with a burst of the feel-good hormone dopamine. But that pleasant rush is short-lived. So, once they find a behavior that releases it, they’re instinctually motivated to keep repeating it. Explains a lot, right?

Guess what doesn’t release dopamine?

Stuff they find boring, overwhelming, or undesirable like taking out the trash, cleaning their rooms, or studying for a math exam. Instead, these tasks tend to release the stress hormone cortisol which makes them feel anxious, tense, tired, even nauseated.

Of course, they get upset when we tell them to stop doing something that makes them feel amazing to do something that makes them feel terrible. Who wouldn’t?!

Our go-to tactic is to try to “motivate” them by nagging, yelling, threatening, bribing, or taking away the things that bring them joy.

Ever notice that those methods don’t work all that well?

That’s because they work against the way the human brain is wired (our adult brains too!)

We end up triggering the release of more stress hormones, which make those tasks seem even more undesirable and our teens more resistant.

Why not work with their brain’s wiring instead?

It’s like floating along with the current rather than fighting against it.

Here’s how.

Associate good feelings with the tasks you want your teen to do by creating mini wins.

Like earning points in a video game or getting a bunch of likes on a post, each little win releases dopamine to the brain--and motivates them to continue.

The key is consistently and frequently tapping into their internal sense of accomplishment.

This can be as simple as breaking down one big task into multiple tiny steps. Each time they complete a step, it’s a mini win. They feel good. They’re motivated to continue.

You could also try using an app like  Habitica  that gamifies real life chores with opportunities to accumulate virtual rewards like magic skills, mysterious pets, and armor. (Note: I've never tried it myself.)

Or turn chores into family challenges. Who can find the most creative way to collect all the cups in the house—without using your hands? On top of feeling a sense of accomplishment, this could evoke laughter—which is even more rewarding and motivating.

I’ll share what works best with my teen: A sincere thank you for a completed task and a big hug. When she feels recognized, appreciated, accomplished, and valuable, she’s eager to help again.

Please note: None of these solutions involve payment or tangible gifts. Believe it or not, those reduce the positive feelings teens get from their accomplishments AND decrease intrinsic motivation.

THE BOTTOM LINE

True motivation is fueled by feeling good inside. We can create that feeling with mini wins.

BONUS RESOURCE

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