Pro Parenting Tip #27: Step into Their Shoes đź‘ź
“You sound angry.”
“Wow, that must be frustrating.”
“I’m sorry you feel that way.”
You listen, empathize, and validate…
And your teen rolls their eyes, gets upset, and calls you out for being fake or speaking psychobabble.
It’s irritating, even infuriating, when our attempts at connection get met with disdain.
We did everything “right,” so what went wrong?
Here’s what I’ve noticed…
We can become so focused on WHAT we’re supposed to do (…unfold arms, put down phone, look them in the eye, ask clarifying questions, label their emotion, don’t fix it…)
that we forget WHY we’re doing it (to understand their perspective).
Instead of listening more effectively, we’ve just switched our attention from one inner dialogue to another.
Which means we’re still not paying attention to THEM.
Our response ends up sounding inauthentic rather than empathetic.
Our teen ends up feeling placated and manipulated rather than heard and validated.
Which explains their less-than-desirable reaction.
Instead…
I encourage you to toss out the active listening playbook and try something a little different. I call the Empathetic Listening.
Next time you listen to your teen, only think of this ONE thing: “What would it be like to be in their shoes?”
You need to listen attentively to capture all the nuances of their perspective.
For example, how would you feel if…
...you felt wronged and tried to stand up for yourself but were shut down and had your phone taken away indefinitely?
...you were enjoying something you loved and were told to stop in the middle of it to do something you disliked?
...you came home exhausted from a hard day at work and were scolded the second you walked through the door for something you did (or didn’t) do yet.
I don't know about you, but I don't think I'd handle it all that well.
When we listen with sincere curiosity and visualize what it would be like in from our teen’s perspective, our empathetic response will sound authentic—because it is.
That’s when true connection is created.
THE BOTTOM LINE
If your teen isn’t feeling heard when you listen to them, make sure you’re getting out of your head and into their shoes.
PRACTICE MAKES PROFICIENT
If you want to take a deep dive into Empathetic Listening and the other 8 skills we teach, I invite you to read my book IMPROVING SCHOOL MENTAL HEALTH: THE THRIVING SCHOOL COMMUNITY SOLUTION .
To get the most of this book, download the FREE Book Study Kit and share with your book club đź•®.
