Pro Parenting Tip #33: Problem Solve
As parents, we want to teach our teenagers how to be responsible, accountable, and respectful members of society.
This can be challenging when they act out, take unnecessary risks, or don’t comply with our demands.
For many parents, the instinct is to punish their teen for their bad behavior. They may ground them, take away privileges, or heap on restrictions and unappealing tasks. They believe that if they make their teen pay for their transgressions, they will learn to make better ones in the future.
Unfortunately, that’s not how it works.
Although this approach may result in immediate compliance, the long-term impact often takes them further down the very path we’re trying to keep them away from.
PUNISHMENT escalates conflict, disrespect, mistrust, and risky behavior.
There are two main reasons punishment backfires:
1. It focuses on the wrong thing.
Punishment tries to stop behavior without addressing the underlying issue causing the behavior. That’s like trying to make your car run better by turning the “check engine” light off rather than checking the engine. As long as the as the problem still exists, the behavior will keep coming back. Often bigger than before.
2. It’s based on inaccurate assumptions.
Punishment assumes that your child is purposefully choosing to do the “wrong” thing. After years of working with teens, I assure you that is rarely the case. They don’t like to get yelled at, disappoint you, or get their phones taken away. Assuming you know the right solution for them and if you repeat it loud enough and often enough it’ll eventually sink in is also leading you astray. This tactic only teaches them to get better at tuning you out or avoiding you altogether.
PROBLEM-SOLVING, on the other hand, is focused on identifying the root cause of the behavior and finding solutions that work for both you and your teen. It involves communication, collaboration, and critical thinking. It builds mutual trust and respect. In the long run, it teaches your teen how to make better decisions on their own AND to come to you when they need help.
Problem-solving starts with listening to your teen with the intention of understanding their perspective and the reason behind their behavior. There’s a good chance they won’t know either, so be patient.
Only when you can see the situation from their point of view can you help them find a better way for them to get their needs met.
THE BOTTOM LINE
You have the choice to punish your teen for the bad decisions they made in the past or to problem-solve with them so they can learn to make better decisions in the future.
AN EASY SOLUTION FOR MANY PROBLEMS!
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