Pro Parenting Tip #31: Argue!
It drives us nuts when our teens turn everything into an argument.
Why can’t they just do as we ask without push back?
Life would be so much easier… for us.
Not for them.
Remember when your child was little and constantly asking, “Why?” That probably drove you a bit nuts at times too.
But there was a good reason why they asked. It helped them understand the world better AND it prompted you to talk more, which is how they learned to form more complex sentences and better express themselves with words.
Your teen’s need to argue (which often starts with, “why?”) plays the same role.
Although their approach may come off as disrespectful, that’s not their intent. They are trying to understand the world better and learn to form and better express their own opinions.
It’s difficult for us when their ideas differ from ours, I know.
But that’s on purpose.
Their ideas must be different from ours to be unique to them.
Having their own unique ideas, opinions, thoughts, and feelings is essential to healthy identity formation and self-worth.
Learning to argue effectively builds up our teen’s…
Critical thinking skills (e.g., making good choices
Ability to self-advocate and stand up for themselves
Respect and trust in you
Confidence and belief in themselves
Empathy and understanding of others
Problem-solving and collaboration skills
When we shut them down, we send the message that…
Their thoughts, feelings, opinions, and needs don’t matter
Creates more disconnect, resentment, and conflict
Stunts the development of all the good stuff listed above
Here’s how to have a healthy argument with your teen:
ACCEPT that their pushback is not about defying you but trying to have a voice of their own.
LISTEN to them first. Have the intent to understand their perspective rather than convince them of yours.
CONFIRM that you understand their point of view correctly.
SAY THIS: You're angry because I asked you to clean your room and you’re in the middle of a game with your friends. Is that right?
DON’T SAY THIS: So, you're telling me that even though all you do is sit around the house all day, you still think it's unfair of me to ask you to do one simple little thing like pick up your room. Seriously? Do you know how much I do for you?
EMPATHIZE with their point of view and feelings.
SAY THIS: I get it, cleaning your room is not nearly as fun as playing games with your friends. I understand that stopping mid-game would leave your friends hanging and you don’t want to let them down or make them mad at you.
DON’T SAY THIS: I don’t know why you’re getting upset about something so minor. You’re so lazy/entitled/inconsiderate.
SHARE your point of view. Be as clear and succinct as possible. Provide a why that takes their perspective into account. When it’s presented as your opinion not THE only opinion, your teen will be more open to listening.
SAY THIS: Now that I understand your perspective, I’d like to share mine.
DON’T SAY THIS: I hear you, but you’re wrong. This is the way it is…
ASK them to share their understanding of your perspective. Clarify if they are unclear. This gives you the opportunity to make sure what they are hearing is what you’re trying to communicate.
SAY THIS: I know you see it differently than I do, does this help you better understand where I’m coming from? If not, what is still confusing?
DON’T SAY THIS: Do you get it now? I hope you were listening, so I don’t have to repeat myself.
RESOLVE together. Show your teen how to collaborate and negotiate by considering all points of view and working together to find a solution. It doesn’t have to end with a winner and a big ole’ loser. How you resolve the argument is key to teaching your teen to communicate more effectively and creating connection.
SAY THIS: Now that we both understand each other’s point of view, what do you think are some possible solutions? I have a few ideas I’d like to share as well.
DON’T SAY THIS: I don’t care what you think, I’m the parent and what I say goes.
BONUS
If they make a good point, give them the win! Nothing builds their respect and trust in you more than knowing you can admit when you’re wrong and adapt. It models strength of character, confidence, humility, and rational thought.
REMEMBER
Arguing doesn’t have to be nasty and heated. If you stay calm and give your teen the space to express their view, they won’t need to resort to yelling and attitude to be heard.
THE BOTTOM LINE
When we turn disagreements into a healthy debate rather than a power struggle, everyone wins.
An Easy Argument to Win
Why waste time, energy, and sanity trying to figure out how to get through to your teen on your own? Join us in the Thriving Parent Academy to learn new strategies, get support and encouragement, and fast track improving the dynamics in your home.
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