How to Reach Your Troubled Teen with Michael Unbroken
In this episode… If your teen seems out of control and you’re worried about their risky behavior and questionable choices, this episode is for you.
I’m joined by Michael Unbroken, author of the best-selling book Think Unbroken. Michael is a coach, mentor, and educator for adult survivors of child abuse. Michael also hosts The Michael Unbroken podcast, teaches at Think Unbroken Academy and is on a mission to end generational trauma.
Today, Michael is going to give us a peak into the mind of a troubled teen and teach us how to connect with them in a way that helps them thrive.
FREE STUFF!
From Michael Unbroken. PDF copy of Think Unbroken: Understanding and Overcoming Childhood Trauma.
From Dr. Cam: 10 Secrets to Raising Teens. www.askdrcam.com/parentingtips
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About Michael Unbroken
Michael Anthony is the author of the best-selling book Think Unbroken and is a coach, mentor, and educator for adult survivors of child abuse. Michael spends his time helping other survivors get out of "The Vortex" to become the hero of their own story and take their lives back. Michael hosts The Michael Unbroken podcast, teaches at Think Unbroken Academy and is on a mission to end generational trauma.
Connect with Michael: Website | Facebook | Instagram | YouTube | Twitter
Watch the Full Interview
Michael’s story
My mom was a drug addict and alcoholic. At four years old, she actually cut off my right index finger. That starts to give you groundwork. My stepfather was super abusive. I spent the majority of my childhood homeless and in poverty. I lived in 30 different homes as a kid. I got high for the first time when I was 12. Drunk at 13. Fifteen I was expelled from school for selling drugs. Luckily, I got put into a last chance program. Still did not graduate on time. I was selling drugs, stealing cars, breaking into houses, hurting people. Then when I was 18, I finally graduated. They basically just handed me the diploma and said you’ve got to get out of here. I was trying to find the solution for poverty and homelessness and abuse and pain. I thought it had to be money. I decided that by the time I'm 21, I want to make $100,000 a year legally. This was important because my uncle was in prison for life. Most of my family has been to jail. I've been in handcuffs. Three of my childhood best friends have been murdered. I knew if I didn't get money legally, I was going to die.
This thing happens to people when they get money for the first time. I just blew it all. I made six figures. I was working for a Fortune 10 company at 21 years old, almost impossible. It made my life so much worse. I found myself at 350 pounds, smoking two packs a day, drinking myself to sleep. I didn't understand at the time that I was trying to satiate all the pain. I was trying to make all the things of my past go away. That led me into this interesting journey.
I'm laying in bed at 11 o'clock in the morning. Keep in mind, I'm 350 pounds, eating chocolate cake, smoking a joint, and watching the CrossFit Games. Now, if that's not rock bottom, I don't know what it is. When I looked at myself in the bathroom mirror, I thought, “You're not doing the thing you promised yourself when you were a kid you were going to do.” The promise as a kid was money, but it was deeper than that. It was about not letting other people tell me how to live my life and what I’m capable of doing.
Fast forward almost 12 years later. Here I am talking to you. I'm a number one bestselling author, international award-winning speaker, podcast host, coached 1000s and 1000s of people around the world. That started because I made a decision. I asked myself what I was willing to do to have the life that I wanted to have. The words, “No excuses, just results,” started everything for me. I got serious about therapy: group therapy, EMDR, CBT. I got serious about personal development, going to conferences, reading books, getting educated, because education is so important to me. I have over 35 trauma-informed education certifications and I don't have a college degree. I just had to figure this out. That's what led me to having this conversation with you today.
Inside the Mind of a Troubled Teen
I think people fail to recall the fact that we were once kids. That we pushed back. That we were rebellious. That we didn't want to be told what to do. Why? We were trying to discover who we are. If you really look at the breakdown of what I call the social norm of education, it's very much this institution of turn off who you are, be who we say you should be, get in line, eat lunch, go to the bathroom when we tell you to. The parallel between school and prison is so incredible. People fail to realize that. What do people want to do in prison? They want to break out. What do people want to do in school? They want to break out. What do people want to do when you're telling them to eat the broccoli or go to bed at 7:30pm? They want to break out.
I had the opposite of that. I had no parental advisor in my home. I had no one tell me what time I should come and go. I had no one tell me I should do something about my straight F's. For me breaking free was about seeking some type of normality. How do I create the normal that I want? I think that's what kids do when they push back. When they go to drugs or sex or all the things that you tell them not to do. Because every time can you tell me, I'm doing the opposite. You have to allow people the space to discover who they are.
When you're a kid, the only thing that you're ever hearing is, “don't be you.” The more you step into your intuition, the more you're trying to understand who you are, your teachers tell you not to color the moon purple or wear your hair that way. That music is stupid, and you don't fit in. I don't mean from a bully perspective. I mean in general when we try to step into who we are, there's always some part of the world telling us that's not who you should be. So, we move towards the things that we feel are innately a part of who we are. For me, that was stealing cars and doing drugs. That was my brotherhood. Those were my people. I didn't have to worry about being judged. When I came home at night, it was judgment, it was pain and suffering. When I was at school, it was the same thing. But when I was out with these guys, when I was out with my friends, and we were doing some of the craziest stuff we were doing, we were bonding, we were getting what you couldn't give me as a parent. If someone would have just sat down with me and said, “I understand why you're doing this. I just want you to think about the ramifications and the consequences of the choices that you're making in a non-judgmental way,” I think my life would have been very different.
How to Reach a Troubled Teen
They don't trust you because you've taken the trust away from them because of the actions and choices they’ve made. That's the thing people don't understand. It's human nature. I don't think anyone tries to intentionally break trust with each other. But it happens. You said you were going to do that thing and you didn't follow through. That puts you in this paradigm where you're saying one thing, and we're experiencing another. It comes back to that adage, “Do as I say, not as I do.” That's insane. People want validation. They want to be present. They want to not be ignored. They want to be valued. They want to have this moment of exchange in which they're being heard. I dare you to just sit there and shut up. Imagine what would happen if you just let your child speak? If you didn't try to fix it. If you didn't try to change it. They don't come to you for advice. They never do. I've never in my life heard of anyone going to their parent for advice when they're 13 years old? I don't think that's a thing.
They’re asking their friends, they’re asking TikTok. They're not asking you because you already broke their trust too many times. So maybe you can just shut up. I know that's a hard pill for people to swallow. I get that. But that connection comes from listening.
Be a better listener. Be someone who can just sit there and be present in the moment as they divulge the thing that they need to get out. You're going to have to reestablish trust and connection, and hope. If you get to reciprocate, then think about where they are right now. They're in pain. They're suffering. They're hurting. They're trying to make meaning of the chaos of not only the hormones shooting through their body, but the environment.
I feel so much empathy for kids right now. I get it to an extent, but I don't get it. At least I could run out with my friends and get high all day, these kids are stuck inside with masks on. How do you connect with them? Maybe you just need to say, “I hear you.”
How Do You Stop a Teen from Making Bad Choices?
I don't know if you can. By human nature, we only learn through exploring. We only learn from our mistakes. We're trying to figure out who we are. We're trying to understand what it is that makes us tick. We're trying to figure out things. Sometimes also, maybe subconsciously, we're numbing. There's pain that we're hiding. We're escaping. So, how about you don't destroy them over a bad choice. Because they're trying to figure something out. They don't need you to bring them down. They're already there. I think about it like this: If you're suffering right now, the last thing that you want is someone to come and add on to that. Are you pouring fuel on the fire or are you helping to extinguish it? Are you putting someone in a position where they're even more scared and dive deeper into hiding it? I’m sneaking out in the middle of night and stealing your car to drive to Kentucky? Why? Because you put me in this position where I couldn't express who I was without feeling the consequences of your words. While I sit here and watch you do the opposite. Grandpa, Mom, stepdad, I know about the joint on the top of the refrigerator. I’m not stupid, and yet you're destroying me over the same thing. Think about this for a second. What if you just said, “Hey, I know where you're at right now. I'm not destroying you over it. I'm here to talk when you're ready, which I think you should do at some point. And more importantly, I want you to think about the consequences. What happens if you stay down this pathway?”
Kids want options. They want to be able to think. Stop trying to tell them what to do with their life. Let them explore it. Let them figure it out. As a parent, that's probably a terrifying thing to hear. You think they're doing drugs. Guess what? They're probably going to do them anyway. They're having sex. They're probably going to have sex anyway. People do that. It's like a part of the human experience. What if you guided them in a safe way? What if instead of destroying them over which their psyches and their emotions I think about where you were as a teenager, you had no control? Like just the outbursts, the freak outs, the random cravings of food, it's, you're so hormonal. The last thing that you want is someone else inundating you with their crap. To make you feel worse.
People always want what's next in life to be easy, but it's not. And parents trying to change the way that they think about the world doesn't make it easier for them to make choices and decisions. You have to let people guide themselves into what's next. It's the old adage, you can lead a horse to water, I can bring you here, I can sit you in this room, we can have the conversation. And then I’m going to ask, “Do you want to take the red pill or the blue pill?” At some point you're going to make a decision. And that decision is going to change your life forever. When I was 18-years-old, my best friend drove 35 miles north of the city to buy cocaine. I was supposed to go with him that day, but for whatever reason I chose not to. On the way back, he got arrested. I would not be talking to you had I made a different decision.
Ask For Help and Take It
One of the things that I've discovered over the course of the last 15 years that has radically transformed my life is that I asked for help. I'm not afraid to ask for help. We're a communal species. This idea that we can do anything alone is asinine. Name a person who has ever done anything great by themselves. They don't exist. And on the other side of that ask, you have to do something with it. That was my experience. I kept asking, but for a long time I didn't do anything with it. And then I thought, what if I start moving towards taking what people are giving you. It’s this weird juxtaposition I experienced very young. I’d want help, but I’d refuse it simultaneously. Today I ask for help and then implement it as soon as humanly possible. I want to take whatever I just learned and do it today. That has helped catapult me. When I read books, go to conferences, am coached, go to therapy...when I do all these things, it’s instantaneous implementation. Through that I'm able to create this massive change.
Be Careful With Your Words
My mom would only tell me what I couldn't do. My stubbornness came from that. Don't limit your kids. Give them possibilities. Give them hope. Give them belief. The world doesn't care about them. They're going to walk out after high school and get hit by a truck. You did too. Nobody tells you what the world really is. School sets you up for failure. Community sets us up for failure. Church sets us up for failure. Why? Because we get this false reality. If you limit your kids and you tell them they’re not good enough, they’re not strong enough nor capable enough that trucks gonna hit them one time and that one time is going to destroy their life. Be cautious about the words that you use because they matter.
Let Them Fail
If your kid is in a program where they get participation trophies, take them out. You have to understand loss and failure. You will never learn more about what you're capable of doing than through the mistakes that you make, through the losses, through the failures. I remember being a little kid and playing football. We got second place in this tournament, and we got nothing. It made us work harder. The next season, we got first place. Just showing up doesn't get anything accomplished. Doing work does. Taking the losses and understanding it builds resiliency. I don't coddle anybody in my life, but that doesn’t mean I’m not sympathetic and empathetic and loving and kind and generous and give them what I can. But people have got to be able to be okay with failing.
Face Your Fears
Fear is innately a part of the human experience. One of the things Trent Shelton says is, “Face everything and rise or face everything and run.” That's fear. You’ve got to let people face it and rise through it. Now the shame and the guilt associated with it, you should probably go to therapy and figure out where that comes from. Stop letting that be the thing that hinders you from being a great parent, a great partner, a great business owner. The first thing I write every day in my journal is face fear. Life is scary. Every single day could be the last day. Every day I think: If I were on my deathbed today, am I going to have regrets? If you're living this life in regret you're going to wonder what could have been. That’s the biggest waste of life. When you instill fear in your children, they're going to regret you told them it was too scary to go outside.
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